Not doing so fantastic
Aug. 28th, 2013 07:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tarotgalI mean, I know I'm not supposed to be doing fantastic right now, considering I just lost my best friend of 12 years. But I am still losing it at the small things. Last night I turned the light over my counter off; I kept it on so that Max could see his food there. I totally lost it. That light hadn't been off for the whole time I've lived in this house. I find myself having to re-learn how to do things. How to roll over in bed without reaching down to hold Max in place so he doesn't freak out about me moving around. How to walk in the door and not call hello to him. How to answer the phone and not have him at my feet, sprawled out with his head curled around and his chin in the air, waiting to be petted while I talk on the phone. How to go up and down stairs without waiting a second so he can run past me and go down first on my right side. How to go to the bathroom without him rubbing against my leg.
Today I bought myself a footstool (with storage inside it). It's something I've wanted for years and years but not something I would buy because I'd be worried Max would scratch it up. And, really, because I didn't NEED it. I'm poor (the vet bills from Monday plus the cremation come to almost an entire month's pay and, oh look, there's my mortgage and the vet bills I still have on my credit card to pay off GAH). But I bought it. For some reason, I thought buying something I've been wanting for years would make me happy. Except that I cried the whole drive home anyway. I just miss the little guy so much.
There's a cat at the vet that my mother met yesterday--a tuxedo cat with a smudge of white on his chin. His owners were moving and took the cat in to be euthenized because they didn't want to take care of him any more. WTF PEOPLE?!!! That's not an acceptable option for "I can't be bothered to take care of this cat any more." GRRRRR! He's 12 (the age Max was) and no one's going to want to adopt him. The vet obviously did not put him to sleep and are trying to find it a home. It's lived at the vet for a couple months and the vet cat, Puck, is not fond of its attempts to socialize/play with him. But he's got some bare spots where he's been licking, anxious about staying in a cage so much. And so they asked my mother if I might like the cat. And I would. You know me, I see an animal in distress and how could I not want to help? But I also feel like I need to at least be able to make it a day without bursting into tears. I'm so heartbroken. I gave everything to Max and I'm just not prepared to do the same right now for a cat who's already a bit older. Although maybe that would be a good match. We'd be able to help each other out. He'd get a place to live and I wouldn't have such a lonely, empty house. I just don't know if I can do it so soon.
Max kept giving me signs. He chose the spot in the room where he wanted to die. He told me when he was ready to go. This morning I needed to call the cematoriom and it started raining, just like it was when I met Max, which told me it was time to put aside the nerves and that was the time to make the call. I'll wait for a sign. And if I don't get one, then I don't get one. It's not like there isn't a shortage of cats who need loving homes! But I'm sure they'd rather go to homes of stable individuals who don't still burst into tears when opening the fridge to find that there's no can of cat food inside where it was just a few days ago when her cat stopped eating.
I guess I'm just looking forward to the time when I won't just be constantly sad. It'll happen eventually. Until then, I just go through the motions. And apparently spend money that I don't have to spend. But, gosh, this footstool really is so perfect, I'm telling you... I just wish Maxwell were here to scratch it to pieces. He'd have enjoyed that :-)
Today I bought myself a footstool (with storage inside it). It's something I've wanted for years and years but not something I would buy because I'd be worried Max would scratch it up. And, really, because I didn't NEED it. I'm poor (the vet bills from Monday plus the cremation come to almost an entire month's pay and, oh look, there's my mortgage and the vet bills I still have on my credit card to pay off GAH). But I bought it. For some reason, I thought buying something I've been wanting for years would make me happy. Except that I cried the whole drive home anyway. I just miss the little guy so much.
There's a cat at the vet that my mother met yesterday--a tuxedo cat with a smudge of white on his chin. His owners were moving and took the cat in to be euthenized because they didn't want to take care of him any more. WTF PEOPLE?!!! That's not an acceptable option for "I can't be bothered to take care of this cat any more." GRRRRR! He's 12 (the age Max was) and no one's going to want to adopt him. The vet obviously did not put him to sleep and are trying to find it a home. It's lived at the vet for a couple months and the vet cat, Puck, is not fond of its attempts to socialize/play with him. But he's got some bare spots where he's been licking, anxious about staying in a cage so much. And so they asked my mother if I might like the cat. And I would. You know me, I see an animal in distress and how could I not want to help? But I also feel like I need to at least be able to make it a day without bursting into tears. I'm so heartbroken. I gave everything to Max and I'm just not prepared to do the same right now for a cat who's already a bit older. Although maybe that would be a good match. We'd be able to help each other out. He'd get a place to live and I wouldn't have such a lonely, empty house. I just don't know if I can do it so soon.
Max kept giving me signs. He chose the spot in the room where he wanted to die. He told me when he was ready to go. This morning I needed to call the cematoriom and it started raining, just like it was when I met Max, which told me it was time to put aside the nerves and that was the time to make the call. I'll wait for a sign. And if I don't get one, then I don't get one. It's not like there isn't a shortage of cats who need loving homes! But I'm sure they'd rather go to homes of stable individuals who don't still burst into tears when opening the fridge to find that there's no can of cat food inside where it was just a few days ago when her cat stopped eating.
I guess I'm just looking forward to the time when I won't just be constantly sad. It'll happen eventually. Until then, I just go through the motions. And apparently spend money that I don't have to spend. But, gosh, this footstool really is so perfect, I'm telling you... I just wish Maxwell were here to scratch it to pieces. He'd have enjoyed that :-)
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Date: 2013-08-29 12:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-08-29 12:51 pm (UTC)