Checking In! I Haven't Forgotten You!

Because our conference was last week, and we were given many assurances, we went ahead with the conference for work (though I boarded a plane not knowing if it would happen or not). The conference started out HORRIBLE, which pretty much everyone on staff bursting into tears at random times on Tuesday. And there were a lot of cancellations and some pretty big problems. But all our attendees who came have said it was the best one they'd been to ever (and we've had conferences for 47 years now).

While there, I was as cautious as possible, washing hands frequently, using purel after I touched pretty much anything, wiping everything from armrests to my credit card, even eating all my food with utensils (even when that made them hard to eat). I was as safe as I could be out in the world. But I'm still skipping poetry group tonight, because the group consists of me and a bunch of seniors, and I couldn't live with myself if somehow I got them sick.

All this coronavirus stuff has me:
A- Worried and panicked
B- Realizing how incredibly unprepared I am for an emergency situation (I've got an emergency box, but it's not got nearly enough stuff in it that I realize it should have)
C- A little freaked out at how hard it is to get wipes, purel, soap, etc. (This is exactly how all the apocalyptic stories start out--with shortages and people not taking things too seriously) I want to use the ones I have, but now I'm worried I should be hoarding them instead, which is making me paranoid and mad at myself for my feels.
D- REALLY worried about my parents, who are both 74
E- Wishing I hadn't splurged on the most expensive seats at a concert in June
F- Sad and disappointed about things being cancelled (I'm missing out on meeting Mackenzi Lee on Saturday), though I totally understand why and think calling events off is the right thing to do
G- Pissed off at various governments, especially my own
H- Feeling awful about how incredibly shitty things are for people who have it much worse than I do

I keep bouncing back and forth between "there's nothing else I can do. If I get it, I get it" and "OMG LET ME WASH MY LAUNDRY TWICE JUST IN CASE!!!" I know I should just be using common sense. Don't touch my face. Don't hang out with sick people, etc. But I've got a doctor's visit tomorrow (allergy shots) and another next week (annual wellness exam). And I don't really want to be around anyone sick just in case.

I've done a lot of (probably unnecessary but maybe slightly justified) freaking out.

This is all to say that my mental state lately has been up in the air. Even without the damn virus, the conference takes a lot out of me every year (working 50-90 hour weeks for a month) and I'm utterly exhausted physically and mentally. So I apologize for letting a lot of fun things slip, like the RPG and giftfics. I've finished 1.999 of the remaining 4 stories, though writing sickfics makes me a little uneasy right now. See above letters A through H. So I've been slower than normal with my writing. I'm so sorry about that. The unfinished stories are weighing upon me, and I really want to get them done for both our sakes! Please know I haven't forgotten you or given up! It's just been difficult finding time and mental energy to write.

And, yet, on Sunday I was sitting in the airport during my layover, eating a bagel sandwich without touching it with my hands, and I heard someone waaaaay across the room sneeze. And even though I'm incredibly freaked out, I looked up to see who it was and he sneezed again just as I set eyes on him and it still did things to me because it was a damn beautiful pair of sneezes. I am so weird. I make zero sense!

Anyway, just wanted to say I'm still alive. Dealing with a lot at work and internally, but alive. And I promise I'll finish these dang fics soon! Sorry again.

I'm off to do a new kickboxing workout to hopefully work through some of these feels in a more productive way.