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tarotgalWell, my boyfriend defended today. And did well. I'm very happy for him. Except that it's hard when he keeps rubbing it in my face. But I really am happy for him, and it's his day to celebrate the fact that he's done. I just don't like to think about my damn document because I'm a month behind in editing and so much is wrong and I SUCK and he's finishing before me and GAH. I'm really depressed. So I'm not going to think about it right now, I'm just going to be happy for him today and then be depressed tomorrow when my headache's better :-)
Anyway, yeah, he finally defended. And did well. I'm proud of him. Now all I need to do is get my damn thesis done.
My secret for the day... I think I came up with a novel idea. It's not a very good idea, but it gives me a little reassurance to know that no matter what the fuck happens with my thesis or the rest of my life, I'm a writer by nature and nothing will ever stop inspiration when it hits. I've been getting all these signs to become a writer... I KNOW I'm not good enough yet to do it professionally. But then there are times when I feel I can't do anything else. I mean, some days I live and breathe writing and, Gods, I adore it so much. I'm not good enough yet to let it support me, or have ANY idea how I would go about doing that. But things like the inspiration that hit me today give me hope. I'm TERRIFIED of living my dream because if I try and fail, there's NO recovery. There's no way to put your heart out and everything you have out on the line and have it rejected... and then recover. There's no way I could do that. But times like today make me think it might be worth it because it's in my blood. It's what I was meant to do. I just... I'm too scared to fail at the one thing I can actually do somewhat well. I'm so used to being the best that I don't want to fail at this. I can't allow myself to. But at the same time, I can't allow myself not to. *sigh* I love being a writer, though. And one way or another, that will never change. I can't go a day without writing- it's like breathing. And depression over defense aside, I am a writer.
Anyway, yeah, he finally defended. And did well. I'm proud of him. Now all I need to do is get my damn thesis done.
My secret for the day... I think I came up with a novel idea. It's not a very good idea, but it gives me a little reassurance to know that no matter what the fuck happens with my thesis or the rest of my life, I'm a writer by nature and nothing will ever stop inspiration when it hits. I've been getting all these signs to become a writer... I KNOW I'm not good enough yet to do it professionally. But then there are times when I feel I can't do anything else. I mean, some days I live and breathe writing and, Gods, I adore it so much. I'm not good enough yet to let it support me, or have ANY idea how I would go about doing that. But things like the inspiration that hit me today give me hope. I'm TERRIFIED of living my dream because if I try and fail, there's NO recovery. There's no way to put your heart out and everything you have out on the line and have it rejected... and then recover. There's no way I could do that. But times like today make me think it might be worth it because it's in my blood. It's what I was meant to do. I just... I'm too scared to fail at the one thing I can actually do somewhat well. I'm so used to being the best that I don't want to fail at this. I can't allow myself to. But at the same time, I can't allow myself not to. *sigh* I love being a writer, though. And one way or another, that will never change. I can't go a day without writing- it's like breathing. And depression over defense aside, I am a writer.
