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tarotgalThis is just me rambling about stuff. I guess you could call it h/c stuff. I don't know what to call it. *shrug* Feel free to ignore or offer a shoulder or whatever you like. No need to respond. I just think better when I write things out and I've been going through this in my head over and over again all day.
Hermione's SW fic has had me thinking for the last day or so. Panicky, worried feelings keep popping into my head at strange times during the day. I can name a lot of reasons, both psycological and emotional, of why I love the hurt/comfort genre and why I find it so appealing emotionally (and erotically, to various extents). But this is really one of the first times I've ever been seriously turned off by it, sadly.
I was thinking earlier today about h/c fics where characters get horrible illnesses like cancer. I tend not to dig the suffering parts of those fics at all, but the comforting and supporive friend/lover parts are always right up my alley. My mother had cancer- hell, everyone's got someone who's had cancer. And I think the hell that put her through (and put me through) probably prevents me from digging the suffering parts. It's not a "romantic" illness, in as much as I'd define an illness to be romantic. There's just something about sneezing... and fevers and chills and I dunno. Those words alone thrill me. But cancer... there's absolutely no thrill there for me. Just pain. I don't think it's because it's the big C-word. Because PLENTY of writers write wonderful h/c stories with it. And I totally loved Brian in QAF in his angsty finding out and then recovery phase- though more with the recovery phase and Justin and Mikey and Ted being all wonderful. Again, less on the hurt, more on the comfort.
So I've got to wonder if this particular thing I have sort of against it is because it's so close to me. And sometimes I say I like allergy fics less because I have allergies and I know first-hand how miserable they are. They're much less romantic to me. But I've had tons of colds. So that logic of being personal to me doesn't hold up. In fact, I've had horrible experiences being sick in public and all that shite and I still get turned on in an instant when a guy's got a cold. It's like a fucking light switch. So if there is a problem with the experiencing and being close to the illness thing, why doesn't it hold true for colds? Are they just SO damn good that I can easily put aside my personal experiences and enjoy them in other characters? And if so, why can't I do the same with some of the other h/c's that I have personal connections with?
It's strange. I can't figure out why I feel the way I do about these things. Maybe I just plain don't find the sympoms and situations enjoyable enough. I don't want to even get into my weirdness when it comes to the v-word, because that's a WHOLE other thing. Though I'm sure some of it applies in this debate.
I mean, I don't think it's all that weird that I don't enjoy h/c illnesses I've had personal experiences with. I think that's pretty damn understandable and logical and normal. I mean, if I were stuck in a cave and had to gnaw off my arm I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get all turned on reading fics about characters in the same positions, however good the story was and however much it involved angst and other themes I love.
But even with cancer, I've never quite had the reaction I've been having lately with this malaria thing since Hermione brought it up in an LJ post. I find myself thinking about it at random times during the day and my heart starts racing. I attempted to read her story tonight and made it about a paragraph or two in (on the third try) before I started crying and being unable to catch my breath. It's my own damn fault, though. I told myself not to read it given how close the subject is to me and given I've been for the last day or so. But I thoughts "eh, part 1, won't be too bad". I shouldn't have pushed. My own fault. I'm just finding it interesting and I really can't figure out why. Maybe the death factor?
I was thinking for a while it might be the death factor. My mother's cancer was caught very early on and she didn't even need chemo. Maybe that's why it's painful but not THIS painful to read h/c's where that's involved. Whereas with malaria... fuck, I'm starting to painc just typing the damn word. LOL I never used to be like this. Maybe it's the meeting of these two worlds- my real life and emotions and the fetish. I've never tried to read a story with it in it before. But I suppose I was bound to one day. You'd think I'd have written one by now, honestly. If I did it'd be great and realistic, that's for sure. And I don't have as much trouble writing about v-ing as I do reading it. The control over the story and the characters I think is the main reason. But it just isn't something I can have fun with the same way I can with a flu.
Death factors... I don't know if that's it. I was writing a serious Remus-might-really-die fic the other day in my head and had NO problem with it. But it was just Appendicitis in that fic. Which several friends have had but it wasn't really a huge emotional deal. And I've kind of always loved that early episode of Step by Step where Frank's daughter has appendicitis and Caroll's the only one who believes she's not faking and takes her to the hospital and they bond. Awww. But in these stories the death probability is WAY down. So maybe it is the death thing. I dunno.
I'm just not going to push it. ANd hopefully now that I've rambled on about it so much I'll be able to push it away and just classify it as one of those things I can't enjoy reading in h/c's. Like the v-word, which makes me panic as well just not NEARLY this bad. Though this is weird. I've never had trouble talking about this (I'm going to have to start calling it the m-word! LOL) before and I've talked a bunch. Must be due to the fact that it's worked its way into the online fetish-fandom-h/c world.
Anyhoo. Just thought writing it out might help. Like I said at the start, feel free to ignore.
I'm going to go read nermal's 'A Week of Bad Weather' now. I think it's my all-time favorite Obi fic (which makes me feel strange since he's so young in it, but there's so much Qui-Gon stuff, that's why I like it the most. Though there are some VERY close seconds on my list) and that scene with the spices in the pudding has been popping into my head at random times today, too.
Hermione's SW fic has had me thinking for the last day or so. Panicky, worried feelings keep popping into my head at strange times during the day. I can name a lot of reasons, both psycological and emotional, of why I love the hurt/comfort genre and why I find it so appealing emotionally (and erotically, to various extents). But this is really one of the first times I've ever been seriously turned off by it, sadly.
I was thinking earlier today about h/c fics where characters get horrible illnesses like cancer. I tend not to dig the suffering parts of those fics at all, but the comforting and supporive friend/lover parts are always right up my alley. My mother had cancer- hell, everyone's got someone who's had cancer. And I think the hell that put her through (and put me through) probably prevents me from digging the suffering parts. It's not a "romantic" illness, in as much as I'd define an illness to be romantic. There's just something about sneezing... and fevers and chills and I dunno. Those words alone thrill me. But cancer... there's absolutely no thrill there for me. Just pain. I don't think it's because it's the big C-word. Because PLENTY of writers write wonderful h/c stories with it. And I totally loved Brian in QAF in his angsty finding out and then recovery phase- though more with the recovery phase and Justin and Mikey and Ted being all wonderful. Again, less on the hurt, more on the comfort.
So I've got to wonder if this particular thing I have sort of against it is because it's so close to me. And sometimes I say I like allergy fics less because I have allergies and I know first-hand how miserable they are. They're much less romantic to me. But I've had tons of colds. So that logic of being personal to me doesn't hold up. In fact, I've had horrible experiences being sick in public and all that shite and I still get turned on in an instant when a guy's got a cold. It's like a fucking light switch. So if there is a problem with the experiencing and being close to the illness thing, why doesn't it hold true for colds? Are they just SO damn good that I can easily put aside my personal experiences and enjoy them in other characters? And if so, why can't I do the same with some of the other h/c's that I have personal connections with?
It's strange. I can't figure out why I feel the way I do about these things. Maybe I just plain don't find the sympoms and situations enjoyable enough. I don't want to even get into my weirdness when it comes to the v-word, because that's a WHOLE other thing. Though I'm sure some of it applies in this debate.
I mean, I don't think it's all that weird that I don't enjoy h/c illnesses I've had personal experiences with. I think that's pretty damn understandable and logical and normal. I mean, if I were stuck in a cave and had to gnaw off my arm I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get all turned on reading fics about characters in the same positions, however good the story was and however much it involved angst and other themes I love.
But even with cancer, I've never quite had the reaction I've been having lately with this malaria thing since Hermione brought it up in an LJ post. I find myself thinking about it at random times during the day and my heart starts racing. I attempted to read her story tonight and made it about a paragraph or two in (on the third try) before I started crying and being unable to catch my breath. It's my own damn fault, though. I told myself not to read it given how close the subject is to me and given I've been for the last day or so. But I thoughts "eh, part 1, won't be too bad". I shouldn't have pushed. My own fault. I'm just finding it interesting and I really can't figure out why. Maybe the death factor?
I was thinking for a while it might be the death factor. My mother's cancer was caught very early on and she didn't even need chemo. Maybe that's why it's painful but not THIS painful to read h/c's where that's involved. Whereas with malaria... fuck, I'm starting to painc just typing the damn word. LOL I never used to be like this. Maybe it's the meeting of these two worlds- my real life and emotions and the fetish. I've never tried to read a story with it in it before. But I suppose I was bound to one day. You'd think I'd have written one by now, honestly. If I did it'd be great and realistic, that's for sure. And I don't have as much trouble writing about v-ing as I do reading it. The control over the story and the characters I think is the main reason. But it just isn't something I can have fun with the same way I can with a flu.
Death factors... I don't know if that's it. I was writing a serious Remus-might-really-die fic the other day in my head and had NO problem with it. But it was just Appendicitis in that fic. Which several friends have had but it wasn't really a huge emotional deal. And I've kind of always loved that early episode of Step by Step where Frank's daughter has appendicitis and Caroll's the only one who believes she's not faking and takes her to the hospital and they bond. Awww. But in these stories the death probability is WAY down. So maybe it is the death thing. I dunno.
I'm just not going to push it. ANd hopefully now that I've rambled on about it so much I'll be able to push it away and just classify it as one of those things I can't enjoy reading in h/c's. Like the v-word, which makes me panic as well just not NEARLY this bad. Though this is weird. I've never had trouble talking about this (I'm going to have to start calling it the m-word! LOL) before and I've talked a bunch. Must be due to the fact that it's worked its way into the online fetish-fandom-h/c world.
Anyhoo. Just thought writing it out might help. Like I said at the start, feel free to ignore.
I'm going to go read nermal's 'A Week of Bad Weather' now. I think it's my all-time favorite Obi fic (which makes me feel strange since he's so young in it, but there's so much Qui-Gon stuff, that's why I like it the most. Though there are some VERY close seconds on my list) and that scene with the spices in the pudding has been popping into my head at random times today, too.
