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tarotgalThis is just me rambling about stuff. I guess you could call it h/c stuff. I don't know what to call it. *shrug* Feel free to ignore or offer a shoulder or whatever you like. No need to respond. I just think better when I write things out and I've been going through this in my head over and over again all day.
Hermione's SW fic has had me thinking for the last day or so. Panicky, worried feelings keep popping into my head at strange times during the day. I can name a lot of reasons, both psycological and emotional, of why I love the hurt/comfort genre and why I find it so appealing emotionally (and erotically, to various extents). But this is really one of the first times I've ever been seriously turned off by it, sadly.
I was thinking earlier today about h/c fics where characters get horrible illnesses like cancer. I tend not to dig the suffering parts of those fics at all, but the comforting and supporive friend/lover parts are always right up my alley. My mother had cancer- hell, everyone's got someone who's had cancer. And I think the hell that put her through (and put me through) probably prevents me from digging the suffering parts. It's not a "romantic" illness, in as much as I'd define an illness to be romantic. There's just something about sneezing... and fevers and chills and I dunno. Those words alone thrill me. But cancer... there's absolutely no thrill there for me. Just pain. I don't think it's because it's the big C-word. Because PLENTY of writers write wonderful h/c stories with it. And I totally loved Brian in QAF in his angsty finding out and then recovery phase- though more with the recovery phase and Justin and Mikey and Ted being all wonderful. Again, less on the hurt, more on the comfort.
So I've got to wonder if this particular thing I have sort of against it is because it's so close to me. And sometimes I say I like allergy fics less because I have allergies and I know first-hand how miserable they are. They're much less romantic to me. But I've had tons of colds. So that logic of being personal to me doesn't hold up. In fact, I've had horrible experiences being sick in public and all that shite and I still get turned on in an instant when a guy's got a cold. It's like a fucking light switch. So if there is a problem with the experiencing and being close to the illness thing, why doesn't it hold true for colds? Are they just SO damn good that I can easily put aside my personal experiences and enjoy them in other characters? And if so, why can't I do the same with some of the other h/c's that I have personal connections with?
It's strange. I can't figure out why I feel the way I do about these things. Maybe I just plain don't find the sympoms and situations enjoyable enough. I don't want to even get into my weirdness when it comes to the v-word, because that's a WHOLE other thing. Though I'm sure some of it applies in this debate.
I mean, I don't think it's all that weird that I don't enjoy h/c illnesses I've had personal experiences with. I think that's pretty damn understandable and logical and normal. I mean, if I were stuck in a cave and had to gnaw off my arm I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get all turned on reading fics about characters in the same positions, however good the story was and however much it involved angst and other themes I love.
But even with cancer, I've never quite had the reaction I've been having lately with this malaria thing since Hermione brought it up in an LJ post. I find myself thinking about it at random times during the day and my heart starts racing. I attempted to read her story tonight and made it about a paragraph or two in (on the third try) before I started crying and being unable to catch my breath. It's my own damn fault, though. I told myself not to read it given how close the subject is to me and given I've been for the last day or so. But I thoughts "eh, part 1, won't be too bad". I shouldn't have pushed. My own fault. I'm just finding it interesting and I really can't figure out why. Maybe the death factor?
I was thinking for a while it might be the death factor. My mother's cancer was caught very early on and she didn't even need chemo. Maybe that's why it's painful but not THIS painful to read h/c's where that's involved. Whereas with malaria... fuck, I'm starting to painc just typing the damn word. LOL I never used to be like this. Maybe it's the meeting of these two worlds- my real life and emotions and the fetish. I've never tried to read a story with it in it before. But I suppose I was bound to one day. You'd think I'd have written one by now, honestly. If I did it'd be great and realistic, that's for sure. And I don't have as much trouble writing about v-ing as I do reading it. The control over the story and the characters I think is the main reason. But it just isn't something I can have fun with the same way I can with a flu.
Death factors... I don't know if that's it. I was writing a serious Remus-might-really-die fic the other day in my head and had NO problem with it. But it was just Appendicitis in that fic. Which several friends have had but it wasn't really a huge emotional deal. And I've kind of always loved that early episode of Step by Step where Frank's daughter has appendicitis and Caroll's the only one who believes she's not faking and takes her to the hospital and they bond. Awww. But in these stories the death probability is WAY down. So maybe it is the death thing. I dunno.
I'm just not going to push it. ANd hopefully now that I've rambled on about it so much I'll be able to push it away and just classify it as one of those things I can't enjoy reading in h/c's. Like the v-word, which makes me panic as well just not NEARLY this bad. Though this is weird. I've never had trouble talking about this (I'm going to have to start calling it the m-word! LOL) before and I've talked a bunch. Must be due to the fact that it's worked its way into the online fetish-fandom-h/c world.
Anyhoo. Just thought writing it out might help. Like I said at the start, feel free to ignore.
I'm going to go read nermal's 'A Week of Bad Weather' now. I think it's my all-time favorite Obi fic (which makes me feel strange since he's so young in it, but there's so much Qui-Gon stuff, that's why I like it the most. Though there are some VERY close seconds on my list) and that scene with the spices in the pudding has been popping into my head at random times today, too.
Hermione's SW fic has had me thinking for the last day or so. Panicky, worried feelings keep popping into my head at strange times during the day. I can name a lot of reasons, both psycological and emotional, of why I love the hurt/comfort genre and why I find it so appealing emotionally (and erotically, to various extents). But this is really one of the first times I've ever been seriously turned off by it, sadly.
I was thinking earlier today about h/c fics where characters get horrible illnesses like cancer. I tend not to dig the suffering parts of those fics at all, but the comforting and supporive friend/lover parts are always right up my alley. My mother had cancer- hell, everyone's got someone who's had cancer. And I think the hell that put her through (and put me through) probably prevents me from digging the suffering parts. It's not a "romantic" illness, in as much as I'd define an illness to be romantic. There's just something about sneezing... and fevers and chills and I dunno. Those words alone thrill me. But cancer... there's absolutely no thrill there for me. Just pain. I don't think it's because it's the big C-word. Because PLENTY of writers write wonderful h/c stories with it. And I totally loved Brian in QAF in his angsty finding out and then recovery phase- though more with the recovery phase and Justin and Mikey and Ted being all wonderful. Again, less on the hurt, more on the comfort.
So I've got to wonder if this particular thing I have sort of against it is because it's so close to me. And sometimes I say I like allergy fics less because I have allergies and I know first-hand how miserable they are. They're much less romantic to me. But I've had tons of colds. So that logic of being personal to me doesn't hold up. In fact, I've had horrible experiences being sick in public and all that shite and I still get turned on in an instant when a guy's got a cold. It's like a fucking light switch. So if there is a problem with the experiencing and being close to the illness thing, why doesn't it hold true for colds? Are they just SO damn good that I can easily put aside my personal experiences and enjoy them in other characters? And if so, why can't I do the same with some of the other h/c's that I have personal connections with?
It's strange. I can't figure out why I feel the way I do about these things. Maybe I just plain don't find the sympoms and situations enjoyable enough. I don't want to even get into my weirdness when it comes to the v-word, because that's a WHOLE other thing. Though I'm sure some of it applies in this debate.
I mean, I don't think it's all that weird that I don't enjoy h/c illnesses I've had personal experiences with. I think that's pretty damn understandable and logical and normal. I mean, if I were stuck in a cave and had to gnaw off my arm I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get all turned on reading fics about characters in the same positions, however good the story was and however much it involved angst and other themes I love.
But even with cancer, I've never quite had the reaction I've been having lately with this malaria thing since Hermione brought it up in an LJ post. I find myself thinking about it at random times during the day and my heart starts racing. I attempted to read her story tonight and made it about a paragraph or two in (on the third try) before I started crying and being unable to catch my breath. It's my own damn fault, though. I told myself not to read it given how close the subject is to me and given I've been for the last day or so. But I thoughts "eh, part 1, won't be too bad". I shouldn't have pushed. My own fault. I'm just finding it interesting and I really can't figure out why. Maybe the death factor?
I was thinking for a while it might be the death factor. My mother's cancer was caught very early on and she didn't even need chemo. Maybe that's why it's painful but not THIS painful to read h/c's where that's involved. Whereas with malaria... fuck, I'm starting to painc just typing the damn word. LOL I never used to be like this. Maybe it's the meeting of these two worlds- my real life and emotions and the fetish. I've never tried to read a story with it in it before. But I suppose I was bound to one day. You'd think I'd have written one by now, honestly. If I did it'd be great and realistic, that's for sure. And I don't have as much trouble writing about v-ing as I do reading it. The control over the story and the characters I think is the main reason. But it just isn't something I can have fun with the same way I can with a flu.
Death factors... I don't know if that's it. I was writing a serious Remus-might-really-die fic the other day in my head and had NO problem with it. But it was just Appendicitis in that fic. Which several friends have had but it wasn't really a huge emotional deal. And I've kind of always loved that early episode of Step by Step where Frank's daughter has appendicitis and Caroll's the only one who believes she's not faking and takes her to the hospital and they bond. Awww. But in these stories the death probability is WAY down. So maybe it is the death thing. I dunno.
I'm just not going to push it. ANd hopefully now that I've rambled on about it so much I'll be able to push it away and just classify it as one of those things I can't enjoy reading in h/c's. Like the v-word, which makes me panic as well just not NEARLY this bad. Though this is weird. I've never had trouble talking about this (I'm going to have to start calling it the m-word! LOL) before and I've talked a bunch. Must be due to the fact that it's worked its way into the online fetish-fandom-h/c world.
Anyhoo. Just thought writing it out might help. Like I said at the start, feel free to ignore.
I'm going to go read nermal's 'A Week of Bad Weather' now. I think it's my all-time favorite Obi fic (which makes me feel strange since he's so young in it, but there's so much Qui-Gon stuff, that's why I like it the most. Though there are some VERY close seconds on my list) and that scene with the spices in the pudding has been popping into my head at random times today, too.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 01:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 01:44 am (UTC)But... really, thanks. I agree it does have a lot to do with how the writer conveys the situation, the tone and word choices. Though in the case of Hermoine's fic, I was freaking out when she just mentioned what she was doing idea-wise. I'm sure the story itself is wonderful I just... can't read it or offer an opinion on it. Which I feel badly about... I'm sure it's a good start to a fic. But, yeah, previous experiences. It's nice to hear I'm not insane and you know the feeling. *HUGS* Thanks for your thoughts on the matter.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 11:09 am (UTC)Oh, no, it's totally not your fault. Don't you dare feel badly about it. I *was* very excited about it. As I am with the fact that you're into the fandom and writing. And I do hope it goes well! I had little clue it would hit me as hard as it did, anyway. I think a serious fic is a perfectly fine idea. I enjoy fever-fics quite a lot, and serious fics quite a lot as well, and you should write what gives YOU pleasure and what inspires YOU. Though when you mentioned malaria at the end of our LJ threaded discussion I chose the words in my reply to you very carefully. It IS too close & personal a subject for me to comment on as far as giving advice in the sneezefic world.
though it might be some strange virus he gets from the planet's water himself, rather than influenza, though that could be pretty bad too. i still am a little disheartened by reading this entry, im sorry--i got a wrong impression when i first started discussing the idea of doing a serious story with you. :-/
Please don't be disheartened. This is my problem, not yours. I'm sure your fic is absolutely wonderful! I just freaked out when I got to the mosquito part and couldn't make it any further. Like I said above, I think the idea of a more serious fic is grand and you should definitely write it! You must do as the muses instruct, after all! This is just a personal problem. Like how I have to avoid reading some scenes in stories or whole stories altogether because I'm an emetophobe.
The fact that the flu DOES kill is something I've been trying to reconcile for a day, also. I can't quite figure out why it's still so appealing if it has a similar death factor. Except for the fact that no one in my family has died from the flu. That's probably it. Though given the damn flu shot shortage this year, I shouldn't speak too early and jinx things! :-)
and one more thing--i dont know where you picked up the cancer idea from Malaria--were you just relating to an idea of an illness that you cant stand reading about? :-/ sorry...dont mean to keep responding to this...
I was just using it as an example of a serious health problem that someone in my immediate family had, a problem that was more personal and emotional to me than just the name of a disease on a piece of paper. In that case, it is similar to the m-word to me in situation though not in symptom, of course. But the difference is that I've read some cancer fics and wasn't completely put off by them... then again, those didn't deal with the type of cancer my mother had. Hmmm... I wonder if that has something to do with it...
no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 07:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 12:19 pm (UTC)Perhaps it's the fact that I've been required to study chemo drugs (and the main side effect, the v-word which I shall not bring myself to type, and which makes me very nervous when I have to go on the oncology floor in the hospital) and had my head packed with grim statistics of survival and rates of metastasis...perhaps it's the knowledge that both my grandmothers have had breast cancer, one died from it, along with several of my mom's aunts, and the fact that my mom has had two biopsies (thankfully negative) so far, that has me very very aware of how high my own risk is. Whatever it is, I can't read fics that include it, and I chose not to watch that whole QAF Brian arc.
I also shy away from fics involving permanent significant damage to life and limb. I don't enjoy reading, for example, about how a head injury gave Fox Mulder mild brain damage, a speech impediment, and life-long seizure disorder requiring him to quit the FBI (no offense intended to the writer of that story if he/she reads this). I highly doubt I would enjoy a story where Legolas loses an arm and can never do archery again, or Obi-Wan is permanently stripped of his Force abilities either. Some things are just too serious for enjoyment, for me. It's like a bucket of ice water is poured down my back, extinguising the flames sparked from the caring relationships explored.
As for the whole cold/flu thing: The fics I read definitely turn me on to no end, but I've never actually been around a significant other who's been ill, so I'm not really sure it would do anything for me to that extent in real life. There's definitely a guilt factor there too, like when I enjoy listening to a co-worker sneeze and he clearly sounds miserable. Temporary misery is lovely in H/C fics, but I'm still working to reconsile how I feel about it in reality...and probably will keep working on it for a long, long time.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 03:56 pm (UTC)~A
no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 04:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 05:05 pm (UTC)[Or the v-word-but that's another topic all together!]
Perhaps because these kinds of stories relate too closely to real life [or maybe just my real life] I'm not entirely sure...
Sneezefic has been for me the best of two things I enjoy immensely-fanfiction and sneezing. Perhaps it is because I love these two things that I don't like 'real life' intruding into them.
Not to say I don't enjoy real life sneezing...I'm not explaining myself very well, I'm afraid.
I love and am aroused by sneezefic; both by the situations and their contexts. But I prefer them on the lighter end of things: sneezes, sniffles, fevers and the occasional swooning elf...
BVB
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Date: 2004-10-07 04:48 am (UTC)And Yay for sniffling, swooning elves...just the way I like them! The world needs more of this! *silly grin*
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Date: 2004-10-08 12:19 am (UTC)I don't like serious fics, It's better light and fluffy ^^ Mmm, fluff ^^
-Red
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Date: 2004-10-08 12:25 am (UTC)