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tarotgalQAF-inspired thoughts... mostly about my fetish(sex warning)... not sure I'm ready to put some of the deeper thoughts into words quite yet :-)
So, I was watching little conservative (relatively speaking) Ted giving into his extreme fear to be tied down and whipped by a dungeon master with a leather and whip fetish, and the guy's insisting that Ted call him 'Sir' and speak only when spoken to as a slave, when the first thing out of my mouth was "I just don't understand. It's so limiting!" And in a way, yeah, it is. Can you imagine? The same role, over and over again? Making someone call you Sir just like the hundreds before? Chaining, whipping, controlling. I mean, I understand what immense pleasures must occurr... though I'm too bloody scared of being that helpless to ever agree to something like that. I bought my boyfriend handcuffs after MUCH worry and have never pressured him to use them... freakish boyfriend. I buy him sex toys and he never uses them with me. Pisses me off a bit. ANYWAY, point is, it feels like a very limiting world. "Not like my fetish" I found myself saying. Which suddenly stuck me as odd. I mean, how much more limiting can you get? It's not like people can sneeze differently or, well, you can imagine. But really, I don't see my fetish like that at all, and then suddenly I didn't see the leather thing as limiting either. And of course neither is- no fetish really is. But it just never really occurred to me how incredibly broad any fetish- especially sneezing- is if you're passionate about it. Creativity. And that's SO what I get out of it the most- especially with stories. It's incredible how something as simple and beautiful as a sneeze can mean so many things and be expressed in so many ways, so many contexts. And I start to feel sorry for people who don't have fetishes, or don't want to admit them, at least. Even if it's not sexual, it's such a creative, envigorating thing... and even if it's got a small scope in the grand scheme of something like sex, there doesn't necessarily have to be any boundaries.
OK, so next part of the rambling came from eps 18 and 19. Michael's scene where he's explaining to David that he didn't want sex because it didn't mean anything. I mean, that's a common female trait- which pops up in episode 19 as one, in fact. But it's very true for me. And many times sex with my boyfriend is enjoyable, but it doesn't mean much emotionally... which is probably why I'd never describe it as absolutely fantastic. The emotion just isn't there and that is VERY tied to my sexual desire.
On the same line, my fetish is very interesting to look at from this angle. Many times I'll have sex without indulging that part of me, or envisioning sneezing... but it's the times I do that I get the most pleasure out of sex- because sneezing gives me that feeling.. and that emotional investment. Which made me think that maybe one of the reasons I find seeing sneezing so enjoyable is because of the emotions automattically accompanying it. A sneeze comes with helplessness, need, weakness, and is just all-around cute. But it's also got my desire to reach out, to be more intimite, to help, to take care, to feel involved. Just seeing a sneeze sparks such an emotional response not just in making me horny but taking me to another place emotionally... maybe that's one of the main reasons I connect so well to it- because I really long for emotion beyond pure f*cking pleasure in sexual relations, and to see sneezing envokes that in me automatically. Hrm... just a thought. I remember Liberty Belle (and others) talking once or twice about how they needed sneezes when having sex- how it was integrat in feeling turned on. Well, I certainly have sex without them... but for good sex. For really good orgasms and all, yeah, I need the sneezes. Rather, I want them. And I WANT to feel emotionally connected. I want there to be love and passion not just pleasure. And sneezing brings all three. Hrm...
I was having an interesting conversation with my best friend the other night... and she was talking about choices... how I make choices- what I do with my time, with my energy, etc. I've been thinking that whatever I do with it sucks... but I'm really not sure that's it at all. Of course it's impossible to get through days without making some sort of choices... but truthfully, I don't know that I consciously make any choices, really. Episode 18 was fabulous... sort of the overall theme of it (and really the whole show, though it was beautifully described here) was that you can't deny yourself. Whatever it is, sexual preference, hobby, profession- you can't deny what you are. And that is SO true. I write because I'm a writer, I write because I have to. It's like breathing- hell, it's more important than breathing to me. I think about it constantly- driving to the store, taking a shower, sitting in class, talking with someone else, watching someone walk by- it's all words swimming around in my head. Some fight harder to get out. Some are sneeze fics. Some are brilliant moments I want to capture forever but never find the words to and they die. But as far as time... I feel like that sometimes... I didn't really choose what to major/minor in back in undergrad, I just did something. I don't really choose to talk to people, it just happens. I don't really choose to sleep, or to eat, I just do. And there are times my lack of choices gets me in trouble... dear gods there are times... I dunno, though. Things just happen because they do... I feel passion, I feel need, I feel the path. And it's the times that things jerk me out of this simple state of being that I get scared to death. But you know... scared is good, too. I dunno... need to think more.
OK, off to watch episode 4 of Highlander on TNN now :-)
So, I was watching little conservative (relatively speaking) Ted giving into his extreme fear to be tied down and whipped by a dungeon master with a leather and whip fetish, and the guy's insisting that Ted call him 'Sir' and speak only when spoken to as a slave, when the first thing out of my mouth was "I just don't understand. It's so limiting!" And in a way, yeah, it is. Can you imagine? The same role, over and over again? Making someone call you Sir just like the hundreds before? Chaining, whipping, controlling. I mean, I understand what immense pleasures must occurr... though I'm too bloody scared of being that helpless to ever agree to something like that. I bought my boyfriend handcuffs after MUCH worry and have never pressured him to use them... freakish boyfriend. I buy him sex toys and he never uses them with me. Pisses me off a bit. ANYWAY, point is, it feels like a very limiting world. "Not like my fetish" I found myself saying. Which suddenly stuck me as odd. I mean, how much more limiting can you get? It's not like people can sneeze differently or, well, you can imagine. But really, I don't see my fetish like that at all, and then suddenly I didn't see the leather thing as limiting either. And of course neither is- no fetish really is. But it just never really occurred to me how incredibly broad any fetish- especially sneezing- is if you're passionate about it. Creativity. And that's SO what I get out of it the most- especially with stories. It's incredible how something as simple and beautiful as a sneeze can mean so many things and be expressed in so many ways, so many contexts. And I start to feel sorry for people who don't have fetishes, or don't want to admit them, at least. Even if it's not sexual, it's such a creative, envigorating thing... and even if it's got a small scope in the grand scheme of something like sex, there doesn't necessarily have to be any boundaries.
OK, so next part of the rambling came from eps 18 and 19. Michael's scene where he's explaining to David that he didn't want sex because it didn't mean anything. I mean, that's a common female trait- which pops up in episode 19 as one, in fact. But it's very true for me. And many times sex with my boyfriend is enjoyable, but it doesn't mean much emotionally... which is probably why I'd never describe it as absolutely fantastic. The emotion just isn't there and that is VERY tied to my sexual desire.
On the same line, my fetish is very interesting to look at from this angle. Many times I'll have sex without indulging that part of me, or envisioning sneezing... but it's the times I do that I get the most pleasure out of sex- because sneezing gives me that feeling.. and that emotional investment. Which made me think that maybe one of the reasons I find seeing sneezing so enjoyable is because of the emotions automattically accompanying it. A sneeze comes with helplessness, need, weakness, and is just all-around cute. But it's also got my desire to reach out, to be more intimite, to help, to take care, to feel involved. Just seeing a sneeze sparks such an emotional response not just in making me horny but taking me to another place emotionally... maybe that's one of the main reasons I connect so well to it- because I really long for emotion beyond pure f*cking pleasure in sexual relations, and to see sneezing envokes that in me automatically. Hrm... just a thought. I remember Liberty Belle (and others) talking once or twice about how they needed sneezes when having sex- how it was integrat in feeling turned on. Well, I certainly have sex without them... but for good sex. For really good orgasms and all, yeah, I need the sneezes. Rather, I want them. And I WANT to feel emotionally connected. I want there to be love and passion not just pleasure. And sneezing brings all three. Hrm...
I was having an interesting conversation with my best friend the other night... and she was talking about choices... how I make choices- what I do with my time, with my energy, etc. I've been thinking that whatever I do with it sucks... but I'm really not sure that's it at all. Of course it's impossible to get through days without making some sort of choices... but truthfully, I don't know that I consciously make any choices, really. Episode 18 was fabulous... sort of the overall theme of it (and really the whole show, though it was beautifully described here) was that you can't deny yourself. Whatever it is, sexual preference, hobby, profession- you can't deny what you are. And that is SO true. I write because I'm a writer, I write because I have to. It's like breathing- hell, it's more important than breathing to me. I think about it constantly- driving to the store, taking a shower, sitting in class, talking with someone else, watching someone walk by- it's all words swimming around in my head. Some fight harder to get out. Some are sneeze fics. Some are brilliant moments I want to capture forever but never find the words to and they die. But as far as time... I feel like that sometimes... I didn't really choose what to major/minor in back in undergrad, I just did something. I don't really choose to talk to people, it just happens. I don't really choose to sleep, or to eat, I just do. And there are times my lack of choices gets me in trouble... dear gods there are times... I dunno, though. Things just happen because they do... I feel passion, I feel need, I feel the path. And it's the times that things jerk me out of this simple state of being that I get scared to death. But you know... scared is good, too. I dunno... need to think more.
OK, off to watch episode 4 of Highlander on TNN now :-)
