SPN Befores & Afters: Part 16. A Before

[tarotgal]

Summary: Scenes of hurt/comfort from before
Sam figures about about Dean's care-giving kink...
and scenes set afterward.
Pairing: Dean/Sam | Rating: Various (G through NC-17)

16. A Before

He’s leaving in a month, and it’s all he can think about. He hasn’t told Dean yet, and he’s not sure how he’s going to. But maybe Dean already knows. They sleep in separate beds. They hunt with different styles. They don’t talk unless they have to. It’s cold between them for the first time ever. It’s one thing for Sam to feel that way about their dad; they never understood each other. But it’s never been like this with Dean. And it’s eating Sam up inside.

And now, maybe more than ever, Sam wants back what they had. He still wants a life without hunting. He still wants to get away from John Winchester and demons and werewolves and everything. He still wants to be a lawyer. He still wants to go to Standford. But he also wants Dean to look after him.

“hihhh-IHPSchhhhhhh!” Sam shakes in his seat from the force of the sneeze, half restrained and half released into the palm of his hand. He doesn’t turn his head, but he knows that Dean is watching him; Dean always watches him.

The hunt they’d just been on hadn’t gone smoothly, partly due to Sam and his bad head cold. He’d wanted to stay in the car, but John wouldn’t hear of it. He’d insisted that Sam get more experience hunting mid-level demons. They’d gotten it in the end, but not before Dean’s arm was sliced open.

Sam risks looking over now. He sees the white bandage wrapped around Dean’s upper arm and feels guilty. He feels guilty for not having Dean’s back the way Dean’s always had his. He feels guilty for sneezing at the wrong time, alerting the demon that they were coming. He feels guilty for turning away from Dean every time Dean tried to hold him or hand him his bandana for his nose. He feels guilty for pushing Dean away but still wanting him so desperately.

No one makes him feel better the way Dean can. Dean has this way of just touching him and making Sam feel good. Just by being there, Dean makes him feel safe.

“uhhh…” Sam lifts his hand again, cupping over his nose and mouth. He tries rubbing the sneeze out of his nose, but it doesn’t work. He turns, curling in on himself against the door and the seat behind him. “huhhh-UHTSchuuhhhhh!” He sniffs hard and rubs the back of his hand against his runny nose.

He wants Dean’s bandana. He wants Dean’s embrace. He wants Dean to make it all better. He wants Dean. And he can’t bring himself to do anything about it.

Miserable, he closes his eyes. He sniffles and coughs and finds his breath catching once again. “eh-huhh-CHIShhhhhh!”

He feels a hand on his shoulder. Sam turns away from the door and looks over at Dean. Dean, with his hurt arm, reaching out to him. And it’s more than Dean’s arm that’s hurt. It’s in his eyes. His whole expression. Without the seatbelt to hold him in, Dean slides over to the middle of the backseat. And when he pulls Sam close, Sam doesn’t know what to do. He’s stiff and awkward and uncertain. But then Dean’s arm wraps around him. Dean cuddles him, just like he used to.

Sam’s eighteen. But he’s also sixteen and fifteen and nine and three and six months and everything in-between. He’s all the ages he’s ever been when he’s needed his big brother. Instinctively, he snuggles into Dean’s chest. Dean slips him a warm bandana for his sneezes then holds him tight, rubbing a hand up and down his back, just like always.

Sam’s leaving in a month. This doesn’t change that fact. But now that he’s back in Dean’s arms for a few minutes, he’s almost glad now he’s caught this cold.

Comments

[ladykorana.livejournal.com]

Ouch. Such a rough period in their lives. This is so well-written, even if it's painful to read because I feel so bad for them both.

That second to last paragraph is so so fabulous!

[tarotgal]

Okay. This is weird. I can see this entry by linking to it directly, but it's not showing up on the main page of my LJ any more. What in the world?

Anyway, yes, I'm so glad you like. Ohhhh the angst. Poor Sam feeling so guilty about everything, including how much he needs Dean. Originally, I was toying with making him younger and putting some, er, sexual awakening bits in here and making THAT the reason Sam's so shy and doesn't want to cuddle. But I just CAN'T write Wincest from Sam's POV when Sam's not yet legal. So when this started coming out instead, I was thrilled about its direction. Even if it meant lots of feels.

I'm glad you liked that paragraph! It's a little rough (I'm not really editing much, with this schedule of one a day) but I am glad you appreciated it :-)